all or nothing

Time stretches and bounces at will.

There have been times in my life, months on end, that still haunt me in how slowly they crawled. Weeks and weeks when the knots in my stomach never unraveled, when all I could taste was fear and anxiety in my mouth. Waiting, and hating the fact that all there was to do was wait. The helplessness — the powerlessness — gnawed at me constantly, eating me up until I didn’t think there was anything left, and beyond even that. My mind would pace back and forth, aimlessly — there was nowhere to go, but I had to keep moving.

And there have been other times when, for better or worse, the stars align. Everything happens at once. An election, a promotion, a graduation, a move, an interview, an acceptance. Life-changing news attract more life-changing news, and their ripples send shockwaves to different corners of my life. I get whiplash. This is interesting, exciting, and much better than the crawl — but not necessarily or wholly good. It’s unsteady. Sometimes great, sometimes not. Always a lot.

Somehow right now I’m caught between the two. Everything is happening, but cautiously, conditionally, potentially. It’s hard to make something of anything when nothing is guaranteed. I’m postponing thoughts and feelings — I think that’s the key.

Ride the wave, eyes closed. Let it take you and then see where you land.